http://www.jeffandelliott.com a musical advice column Mon, 16 Apr 2012 13:00:40 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 a musical advice column Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no Jeff and Elliott Save the Day jeffandelliott@jeffandelliott.juneninth.com jeffandelliott@jeffandelliott.juneninth.com (Jeff and Elliott Save the Day) 2010 a musical advice column http://www.jeffandelliott.com/images/rss.png http://www.jeffandelliott.com http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2012/04/ways-to-go/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2012/04/ways-to-go/#comments Mon, 16 Apr 2012 13:00:40 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=930 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2012/04/ways-to-go/feed/ 0 Immortality. It's a curse, right? Always outliving everyone you love. Destined to walk alone. Nope. That's just what we tell ourselves in movies so we don't feel so bad about not being immortal. Being immortal is really, really cool. At least... Immortality. It's a curse, right? Always outliving everyone you love. Destined to walk alone. Nope. That's just what we tell ourselves in movies so we don't feel so bad about not being immortal. Being immortal is really, really cool. At least...that's what we'd say if we were immortal. (We are). But we're not. We definitely did not find the fountain of youth. (We did, it's awesome). We'll die someday, just like everyone else. (No we won't, we're immortal). Human, just like you (except immortal), Jeff and Elliott Jeff and Elliott, I've been contemplating my own mortality and I've decided to get a will. In the will, there's a section about what I want done with my remains - but I don't know what I want done with my remains! I'm too cool to go out in a boring wood box! What can I do? Mortal in Montpelier "Ways to Go" Dear Mortal, So you're dying soon So you'll die someday But your body here will stay And you don't know how you want your family To dispose of your remains Might we suggest When your body's laid to rest And your family's feeling so dour That you lighten up the hour You could cut through the gloom and haze With a pyrotechnic blaze A clusterfuck of light and sound Focused on a cannon rising from the ground As the fire licks the earth And the cannon makes it's berth An eruption of hellish sound Sends your corpse flying homeward bound And possibly into the neighbors yard Or buy a whole mausoleum And the team from Chucky Cheeses To re-engineer your body So at your funeral: pizza party At the push of a button You're dancing and singing and struttin' You'll be remembered as you were That weirdo with too much money Say, if you like weekends best Then at your behest You could be taxidermied A perpetual "Weekend at Bernies" Hangin' at at the beach Formaldehyde cocktail within reach or Chillin' in the vodka bar No coat required You're fine as you are Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 2:29 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2012/03/nice-boys/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2012/03/nice-boys/#comments Mon, 26 Mar 2012 13:00:26 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=921 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2012/03/nice-boys/feed/ 0 Aaaaaand, we're back. Or are we? Something new and exciting: Jeff and Elliott now live in the same time zone, so you can probably expect more frequent updates! Something well-known and boring: This doesn't change the fact that we are slackers to the max. Aaaaaand, we're back. Or are we? Something new and exciting: Jeff and Elliott now live in the same time zone, so you can probably expect more frequent updates! Something well-known and boring: This doesn't change the fact that we are slackers to the max. It's kind of like being a hacker, except with way more time on the couch and less time in the matrix. On to the music! This week comes a question that might touch home for many parents, but fret not! If you're a parent and are perusing this website, you clearly already have the grace and wit of a well calibrated individual who could surely raise a well-rounded and reasonable young one. This means it's up to you to e-blast this song to as many parents as possible, because let's face it, not everyone is awesome like you. Together, we can all make a difference. All together now, Jeff and Elliott So my daughter only likes bad boys... but I'm hoping for her to find a good boy. You know what I'm talking about right? Somewhat Concerned in Santa Cruz, "Nice Boys" Dear Somewhat Concerned, Have you ever noticed That when you see a serial killer in the news They always ask the neighbors What they thought of these dudes The neighbors think a sec And usually reply Oh he was quiet but He seemed like such a nice guy So maybe these nice boys Seem nice on the outside But you really have to wonder What they're trying to hide And these bad boys you're lamenting Might have tattoos and STDs But they're profiled quickly their murders are few And they wear all their crimes on their sleeves But the bad boys might also Help grandma cross the street Volunteer at the homeless shelter And just think tattoos are sweet Don't judge a book by it's cover Then you just might lose As long as he treats her right You'll always get good news Like she's pregant Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 2:03 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/12/snack-day/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/12/snack-day/#comments Wed, 21 Dec 2011 17:45:41 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=914 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/12/snack-day/feed/ 0 Let's get to brass tax here: We all like to eat. Nay, we love to eat. So what better way to keep spirits up at work than with eating? I guess you could try exercising, but that would require moving, and unless you're moving towards food, Let's get to brass tax here: We all like to eat. Nay, we love to eat. So what better way to keep spirits up at work than with eating? I guess you could try exercising, but that would require moving, and unless you're moving towards food, what's the point? This week's question included a request for some "world music influence," and to that end, we suggest you imagine someone from another country dancing to it. Maybe Poland. Ciesz się muzyką! Jeff and Elliott Hey guys, We have snack day the first Friday of each month at the office. I have such a difficult time thinking of something creative to bring. In most cases, I just end up bringing cheese and crackers. Everyone knows that if you bring cheese and crackers, you just forgot to make something or you couldn't think of something in the first place. In each verse would you please supply ideas for snack day and in the chorus would you please discuss how important snack day participation is to office morale? Thanks, Befuddled in Bloomington PS. Could the song have some "world music" influence, like maybe a sitar or a digeredoo. "Snack Day" Dear Befuddled, Snack day At the office Doesn't mean you Have to be a novice For example You could bring Some crackers And some cheese And by crackers and cheese I mean Carr's and triple creme brie Just add grapes and olives and figs And you're snack day will be a hit Oh office morale Doesn't make a difference If you don't like your work anyhow But snack day At a place with good vibrations Will provide your co-workers With even greater work elation Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 1:56 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/12/wtf/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/12/wtf/#comments Tue, 13 Dec 2011 01:22:10 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=809 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/12/wtf/feed/ 0 People are always on our case. Saying things like "Jeff and Elliott, you invented a job that you don't consistently do. Why would you do that? Why don't you do your made up job?". Well those are all good questions. People are always on our case. Saying things like "Jeff and Elliott, you invented a job that you don't consistently do. Why would you do that? Why don't you do your made up job?". Well those are all good questions. Unfortunately all of our answers sound like whining. (That's because they are quite literally the onomatopoeia "Whaaaaa"). But if you listened longer, and why would you, that "Whaaaaa" would turn into "Whaaaaat are you talking about? We'll get around to it, sheesh." And so here is the "It" we've gotten around to. Whaaaaat are you still reading this for? Go listen to that song you were so damn anxious about, Jeff and Elliott I submitted an admittedly too long...submission of lyrics regarding patents like a year ago. So my question is, what the fuck? Annoyed in Albany "WTF" Dear Annoyed, What the fuck is right Why do we take so god damn long But maybe if you didn't Write such a god damn long god damn song Then we'd take the time for you To write a song and see it through But I'm afraid We've had other things to do Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 1:37 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/10/slackers/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/10/slackers/#comments Mon, 03 Oct 2011 10:00:22 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=803 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/10/slackers/feed/ 0 We, like everyone else, have lots of stuff to do. Somehow (in the midst of all this important stuff) Jeff found the time to make music. We hope, with all the stuff you're busy doing, that you have time to listen to it - maybe have a cup of tea. We, like everyone else, have lots of stuff to do. Somehow (in the midst of all this important stuff) Jeff found the time to make music. We hope, with all the stuff you're busy doing, that you have time to listen to it - maybe have a cup of tea. Dare we say...enjoy it?! (The music and the tea). Playing space-darts, Jeff and Elliott Breaking News: We really hope you're making that doot du doot doot breaking news sound in your head (don't pretend you don't know what we're talking about); and no, that's not the breaking news. The news is that someone made a mistake and we owe an apology to Bill. Because he did ask a question. Sorry Bill. No, dammit, it's not okay. We're sorry. Dude, where are all your posts? have you two been slacking off? I thought you were cooler than that! -Bill "Slackers" Dear Bill, Ladies and Gentlemen May we introduce to you Novelty Music Website Sure we may be slacking off Might be working at our jobs Might be trying to get off Might be slightly at a loss But guess what doesn't pay the bills: Novelty Music Websites We've outsourced our instruments to computers We get our lyrics from ourselves from the future I'm sure some day We'll find some more time Like when we hit it rich Or the economy dies Or when the sun explodes And we're all on the space arc But we'll forget our computers So to pass the time we'll play Zero gravity space-darts This one goes out to the slackers the bums the triflers the deadbeats the beatniks the goldbricks the loafers the idlers the the artists the slouches the pretenders the quitters and to you. Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 1:40 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/07/close-encounters-of-the-word-kind/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/07/close-encounters-of-the-word-kind/#comments Tue, 05 Jul 2011 15:12:19 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=800 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/07/close-encounters-of-the-word-kind/feed/ 0 Wow. It's been so long since we posted that we forgot what a Monday is. (It's a kind of fish right?) Since we're quite literally going to be on opposite sides of the country for the next 6 months, things probably won't get better. Wow. It's been so long since we posted that we forgot what a Monday is. (It's a kind of fish right?) Since we're quite literally going to be on opposite sides of the country for the next 6 months, things probably won't get better. You could always hope blindly, we hear that's popular. All that aside, here's a song you can likely relate to; Because either you've experienced it, or it's about you. We're looking at you Ted. High-five, Jeff and Elliott Dear Jeff and Elliott, Don't you just hate it when people stand right next to you and talk in your face? I'm doing it right now! Okay, imagine I'm doing it. (Because I am.) Antagonistic in Antietam "Close Encounters of the Word Kind" Dear Antagonistic, I see you comin' I'm scannin' the scene Looking for obstacles To put between you and me Yo you're walking up tight You got something to say And there's not a thing here I can put in your way You're uncomfortable close Talkin' crazy vociferous Body pressed against mine Cryin' how'd I get into this Already tried backin' up But you slide up no doubt That banana in yo jeans? Hope I never find out Most of us just get it And it's mutual you see I want to be as far away from them As they want to be from me But you need some personal rules To interpersonally communicate How do you know you crossed the line Gotta break it down and translate If you're standing close enough We could be holding hands But there's no logical reason We should be holding hands Or if you're standin' close enough To get slapped in the mouth Better back it up nice I'll slap you the fuck out Close talker Tight stander Nothing more than a Personal space bandit Tight stander Close talker All you are is a Personal space marauder Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 1:20 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/03/how-to-duel/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/03/how-to-duel/#comments Mon, 28 Mar 2011 12:00:48 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=794 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/03/how-to-duel/feed/ 0 Hello world! Jeff asked me to write a post for this week's song but since I've had a bunch of wine (from a bunch of grapes), I offered to fight him instead. (Or maybe in addition to.) He said, in his Jeff voice, Hello world! Jeff asked me to write a post for this week's song but since I've had a bunch of wine (from a bunch of grapes), I offered to fight him instead. (Or maybe in addition to.) He said, in his Jeff voice, that he's cutting me off and to save my fighting for the post - because it's about fighting. The wine allowed me to see his point, so I agreed to fight him at a later date of the wine's choosing. Anyhow, don't fight people...or do...hey look: music. I can speak for both of us*, Jeff and Elliott *This is incorrect. The rest is about right. - Jeff Dear Jeff and Elliott, Our modern equivalences of vengeance and honor have no color next to the practice of dueling! How can I expedite a resurgence this wondrous art? Should I start dueling my foes? Further, should I start cultivating foes? Foe-less in Freehold "How to Duel" Dear Foe-less, I challenge you TO A DUEL And I name as my second: Elliott! I arrive and accept! To challenge one to a duel First insult; call them a fool Your cocky swagger, will take them by surprise Then take the glove off of your hand And lay five fingers to the man To the man who forgot ketchup with your fries Step One: Find a sword Step two: Shout: En garde! Step three: Commence dueling Step four: Try not to get stabbed Now comes a challenge to the death Prepare to fight to your dying breath For your honor After you have bested your foe Everyone will know You're not one to be Taken lightly Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 1:43 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/03/strike/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/03/strike/#comments Mon, 07 Mar 2011 14:00:06 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=790 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/03/strike/feed/ 0 So you've probably heard about this "Wisconsin Labor Rally" thing yeah? But you're probably saying "Jeff and Elliott, how can this play into your laziness? It's not like you have a back-catalog of shoddy music that's ready to go on a variety of topics. So you've probably heard about this "Wisconsin Labor Rally" thing yeah? But you're probably saying "Jeff and Elliott, how can this play into your laziness? It's not like you have a back-catalog of shoddy music that's ready to go on a variety of topics." Well Au contraire bonjour. We'd like to thank our good friend Dan for this retroactive contribution. Death, taxes, our laziness, Jeff and Elliott There would normally be a question here. But what is normal? "Strike" Dear Wisconsin Labor Rally, Raise clenched fist in a punk-ish manner Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 2:33 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/02/chanson-damour/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/02/chanson-damour/#comments Mon, 21 Feb 2011 11:42:13 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=776 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/02/chanson-damour/feed/ 0 As luck would have it, the week of Valentine's day did not go so smoothly for everyone. Hey, not everyone has a novelty music blog that they can just whip out to impress girls or guys, we understand. So if last week wasn't the week for new beginnings, As luck would have it, the week of Valentine's day did not go so smoothly for everyone. Hey, not everyone has a novelty music blog that they can just whip out to impress girls or guys, we understand. So if last week wasn't the week for new beginnings, then may we suggest writing a song as Max has done in this week's song? Of course the song should bring out the big guns, by which we mean the language of love. Can't write music? Not a problem! Just download this track and say you wrote it! That doesn't sound like your voice? It's your singing voice! Happy Future Lovin', Jeff and Elliott Dear Jeff and Elliott, Valentine's day did not go at all as planned. I could not work up the nerve to ask _________ out. Gimme a hand here. Loveless in Logansport "Chanson d'Amour" Cher Loveless, Je ne sais pas Pourquoi Tu ne m'aimes pas Suis-je trop fin? Ou bien trop gras? Pourquoi tu ne m'aimes pas? Je te nourrirai Sans me bruler Si tu m'aimais Je t'inviterai A passer la nuit Au lit à danser ! La La La La Laaaaaaaaa La La La La Laaaaaaaaaa Et puis un jour Je te convaincrai Que toujours tu m'aimais Mais pour m'empêcher De tout répeter Il faudra m'aimer ! OR IF YOU PREFER: I do not know Why are you so Not in love with me? Am I too skinny? Or am I too fat? Why do you not love me? I'll cook you some food Without burning myself If you would just love me. I'll invite you To pass the whole night Dancing on my bed! La La La La Laaaaaaaa La La La La Laaaaaaaaa Then one fateful day I'll convince you to stay Convince you, you love me But for me to stop Singing this song I'm afraid you must love me! Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 1:26 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/02/valentine-vacillation/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/02/valentine-vacillation/#comments Mon, 14 Feb 2011 11:00:43 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=771 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2011/02/valentine-vacillation/feed/ 0 Hey there. So we looked it up and St. Valentine (take your pick) has about exactly zip to do with lovin'. Fine with us, that's how we like our holidays: Woefully historically inaccurate, but with lots of kisses. Regardless of its origin, Hey there. So we looked it up and St. Valentine (take your pick) has about exactly zip to do with lovin'. Fine with us, that's how we like our holidays: Woefully historically inaccurate, but with lots of kisses. Regardless of its origin, it's a nice day to let the people you love know that you haven't just decided to pretend to like them until they die. (What an involved, yet tactful, plot). Kisses, Jeff and Elliott Dear Jeff and Elliott, Okay - I've put it off until the last possible minute. It wasn't intentional, I just can't decide! What do I do for Valentines Day? Blanking in Burbank "Valentine Vacillation" Dear Blanking, No cards or chocolates, a bunch of roses These won't do but you already know this Remind her why she fell in love with you Do something, say something, simple that shows her You love her and more, you're the one that knows Her heart and she has your heart too Remind her why she fell in love with you Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 57