http://www.jeffandelliott.com a musical advice column Tue, 31 Aug 2010 02:25:16 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 en hourly 1 a musical advice column Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no Jeff and Elliott Save the Day jeffandelliott@jeffandelliott.juneninth.com jeffandelliott@jeffandelliott.juneninth.com (Jeff and Elliott Save the Day) 2010 a musical advice column http://www.jeffandelliott.com/images/rss.png http://www.jeffandelliott.com http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/08/whoops/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/08/whoops/#comments Tue, 31 Aug 2010 02:25:16 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=678 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/08/whoops/feed/ 0 There were some communication problems over the last week (Solar flares). It's funny how being on near opposite sides of the continent can make recording a weekly song difficult! So naturally we were working on teleporters to zoom us across the country, There were some communication problems over the last week (Solar flares). It's funny how being on near opposite sides of the continent can make recording a weekly song difficult! So naturally we were working on teleporters to zoom us across the country, but we happened on a temporal anomaly (that means "weird time thing" - ask any nerd) and we were accidentally sent back in time. Now you might be asking why didn't we use this opportunity to make a song on time. One word...Paradoxes. (Well, it's our bullcrap excuse!) Instead we recorded our past selves playing a song with this John guy. That's what you get! That, and our sincere apologies. We'll post something new this week. Puppy dog eyes (we're doing them) (it's working), Jeff and Elliott Normally a question would go here. Now the question is "Où est la question?". "Ralph" Ralph came Ralph went One whole Life spent Making a kid as happy as a clam I know that if Ralph had a clam he'd eat it Then roll over on his back Then he'd take a well earned nap Ralph was a damn good cat Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 1:31 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/08/another-tv-song/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/08/another-tv-song/#comments Mon, 23 Aug 2010 10:00:03 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=673 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/08/another-tv-song/feed/ 0 Ah TV. It used to be a big boxy thing. It's hard to make that sexy. Now it's all svelte plastic and glass, sleek and modern, hanging on the wall. But stunningly, the sexiness of inanimate objects is not our topic. (Today at least. Ah TV. It used to be a big boxy thing. It's hard to make that sexy. Now it's all svelte plastic and glass, sleek and modern, hanging on the wall. But stunningly, the sexiness of inanimate objects is not our topic. (Today at least.) It's all about the content!From the earliest, television has delivered a window on the lives of others and their stories. (Green Acres was a documentary. Look it up.) But with the proliferation of "reality" television, some believe that window is now brown. Like poop. Because you can only see poop through the window. Reality television is poop. But we digress. No wait, that's the main topic. We're not here to make friends (yes we are), Jeff and Elliott Dear Jeff and Elliott I admit it. I'm hooked on the television show ________* I know it's a pretty dumb show, but it's like a train wreck, I can't look away. How can people really act like that? Should I attempt to avert my eyes, or should I consider the show a guilty pleasure? Entertained in Englewood *Name of show withheld to prevent curious listeners from investigating unsaid show. We also won't ever tell you how to make the purest crystal meth out there. To learn that, you'd have to visit our sister site, "Elliott and Jeff Ruin the Day, and every other day for the rest of your life!" "Another TV Song" Dear Entertained, Television Is not real life Sorry to be so blunt, But you should probably realize That Gilligan's not really trapped And Donald Draper doesn't really cheat on his wife (Because he's not real. No he's not.) The same story goes For reality shows Real desperate housewives in the kitchen And Jersey Hos and Bros They say the camera adds ten pounds But really it adds none It just adds an inflated sense of the subjects self-opinion It's a Modern Freak Show Just let the cameras roll New word needed for reality A word that's not yet sold So Call us Bravo Feel free to send a check to lock us down You'd be wise to decide on us quickly 'Cause this future hit is being shopped around Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 2:43 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/08/stop-is-a-four-letter-word/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/08/stop-is-a-four-letter-word/#comments Mon, 16 Aug 2010 04:06:51 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=670 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/08/stop-is-a-four-letter-word/feed/ 0 School either is or almost is back in session (Check local listings). With that there are bound to be tons of parents dropping off the kids. That means packed intersections approaching that 25mph pit of despair called a school zone. School either is or almost is back in session (Check local listings). With that there are bound to be tons of parents dropping off the kids. That means packed intersections approaching that 25mph pit of despair called a school zone. Wouldn't it be lovely if everyone knew how to use a four way stop? It just so happens that the rules are super simple! (Pro-tip: that's today's topic!) Beep Beep, Jeff and Elliott P.S. Our excuse for the style is: "attempting to express the grating timbre of the morning commute". Yep. Dear Jeff and Elliott Four way stops! Why does no one understand these? Maybe if you sing it it will be easy to remember. Sick of Stupid Stopping "Stop is a Four Letter Word" Dear Sick of Stupid Stopping, Go if you're first or it's your turn outright If not then yield to the person on your right It's a four way stop Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 28 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/08/344/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/08/344/#comments Mon, 09 Aug 2010 15:44:44 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=661 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/08/344/feed/ 0 This is our apology in advance: Sorry. When we get asked silly questions, we tend to want to give silly answers. Sometimes we fight that urge. (With lightning. It's pretty epic.) Sometimes that urge wins (Because it's a dirty cheater). This is our apology in advance: Sorry. When we get asked silly questions, we tend to want to give silly answers. Sometimes we fight that urge. (With lightning. It's pretty epic.) Sometimes that urge wins (Because it's a dirty cheater). This is one of those times. Defeated?! Not likely, Jeff and Elliott Dear Jeff and Elliott What's the deal with John Cage's 4'33? Does it actually say anything? Un-modern in Modesto "3'44" Dear Un-modern, the sound of a tree falling when no one can hear it; and others Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 3:45 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/08/double-rainbow/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/08/double-rainbow/#comments Mon, 02 Aug 2010 10:00:59 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=649 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/08/double-rainbow/feed/ 0 By this point, anyone who's reading this is aware of the "Double Rainbow" YouTube video, and the question it contains: "What does it mean?" Well, in the spirit of unsolicited advice (we're experts) we've endeavored to sing an answer. Now, By this point, anyone who's reading this is aware of the "Double Rainbow" YouTube video, and the question it contains: "What does it mean?" Well, in the spirit of unsolicited advice (we're experts) we've endeavored to sing an answer. Now, you're probably saying to yourself: "Jeff and Elliott, you're seconds behind on this one. Internet seconds. That's like days!" But don't think we won't turn this bandwagon right around! We'll do it gosh darn-it! Advising regardless, Jeff and Elliott Dear Jeff and Elliott Double rainbow all the way! What does it mean? Sincerely, Bear Vasquez "Double Rainbow" Dear Bear, A double rainbow; what does it mean? Natural science is a wonderful thing An explanation of what you have seen: light refracting, double reflecting, and again refracting And sky around the bows is brighter so it seems Certain angles of reflection cause this brightening And what about the dark band in between? It's light reflected, but due to the angle, not made to be seen A double rainbow; what does it mean? It probably means that the shrooms are working. Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 59 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/07/five-dollar-friends/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/07/five-dollar-friends/#comments Mon, 26 Jul 2010 04:20:01 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=643 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/07/five-dollar-friends/feed/ 0 One of the advantages of being old and sagacious like us is that you develop a hard exterior to shield out pain and real emotion. Alright repression! Parting ways in this journey of life is often a somber and depressing affair. One of the advantages of being old and sagacious like us is that you develop a hard exterior to shield out pain and real emotion. Alright repression! Parting ways in this journey of life is often a somber and depressing affair. (Unless you're parting with Dick Cheney after a hunting trip, or parting with the guy who just stole your wallet at knife-point, or parting with your alternate personality that keeps trying to burn down the neighbor's house, etc.) We present to you, dear listener, a song that imparts some of our wisdom on the matter of maintaining friendships at any distance over any amount of time. The best part is, you don't have to do anything! Modern Success Stories, Jeff and Elliott Dear kind Jeff and manly Elliott (I hope that Jeff is not the manly one, otherwise, this will sound silly), I am in a pickle, musical advice givers. All my friends are going off to college, but I am sticking around at a local community college. I am a pretty outgoing guy, but am worried about getting involved in a new social circle while my best buds are out of town. Do you have any melodies of wisdom for how to go about handling my situation? Sincerely yours, Befuddled in Baytown "Five Dollar Friends" Dear Befuddled, They say if you loan a friend five bucks and never ever see him again. Then it was worth it- I'm not sure if that quite relates, but it's a pretty cool expression. But similarly, while your friends are gone If you go and make some new friends Your old chums would be severely wrong To think you'd forget your old friends. And conversely, if they forget about you Just 'cause everyone's off doing something new Well that's not something that good friends do They'll fail to prove that their friendship's true. So loan all of your friends five bucks, before they go. And when they ask what it's for just squint and say "I think you know." Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 1:28 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/07/wagons-west/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/07/wagons-west/#comments Mon, 19 Jul 2010 10:00:23 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=632 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/07/wagons-west/feed/ 0 Our brains are kinda' hard-wired to get used to stuff. Like when you walk into a room and think "That smell is like fried death and cabbage" and then a couple of minutes later it just smells like cabbage. (Don't fool yourself the death is still there). Our brains are kinda' hard-wired to get used to stuff. Like when you walk into a room and think "That smell is like fried death and cabbage" and then a couple of minutes later it just smells like cabbage. (Don't fool yourself the death is still there). It makes us adaptable! So it's not hard to believe, conversely, that change can be hard to deal with; especially big change like moving states away. We don't want to alarm you but that is exactly what we're singing about today! Business as usual, Jeff and Elliott Dear Jeff and Elliott, In three weeks I will be moving out of the Midwest to Austin, Texas. Despite knowing that moving is the best thing for me to do, doubt and fear has been seizing me on a regular basis. Is this normal? what can I do about it? Jack D. "Wagons West" Dear Jack D., So you're moving out of the Midwest and to New adventures in Texas, doubt grabbin' hold of you And you want to know if that's regular fare Well change is often scary, there's nothing new there So all that's left is to try to relax You know your destination; you've examined the facts And who knows maybe you look good in chaps But probably not (cause no one does); stick with a giant hat Drink some tea, do Tai chi, Get a massage, try hypnotizing Yourself into believing it's easy to be leaving Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 1:20 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/07/knees_who_needs_em/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/07/knees_who_needs_em/#comments Mon, 12 Jul 2010 10:00:30 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=619 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/07/knees_who_needs_em/feed/ 2 We've had quite a few (or more than one - whatever) requests for "cheer up" songs. Technically this isn't advice (which is specifically our purview). Still, songwriting it is and song-smiths we are (that's right, we craft songs). We've had quite a few (or more than one - whatever) requests for "cheer up" songs. Technically this isn't advice (which is specifically our purview). Still, songwriting it is and song-smiths we are (that's right, we craft songs). Not writing a requested song would be like showing a poet a sunrise and not expecting prose, or talking to a narcissist about anything and expecting a meaningful conversation - it's already decided! Okay you caught us; you can't write a decent song about just anything. Picasso didn't paint every bowl of fruit some idiot set down. Feel better? We hope you do. Stay Cheerful, Jeff and Elliott Dear Jeff and Elliott, My friend dislocated his knee a while ago and had to get surgery and is still on crutches. They say he should be able to fully bend his knee by now but he can't. Think you can make a song to cheer him up? Trying to help a friend "Knees. Who Needs 'em" Dear Trying, Take it easy friend, why the rush to bend; Not everything needs knees Fish and snakes, on the ground or in lakes, Locomote just fine without these Okay, fair enough, you don't slither through the rough Or have gills to breathe But your waiter would stand straighter And table legs don't waiver without knees [Inspiring Trumpet] Take it all in knee-less stride,with the crutches at your side You're half man half machine You can do what few else can and you're more stable when you stand (But with a forward lean) And when you ditch the crutches brave men will fear your clutches; Your new strength unforeseen Just don't give the doctors peace without first fixing your knees, They've got an oath to keep Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 1:32 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/07/ear-ear/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/07/ear-ear/#comments Mon, 05 Jul 2010 07:18:30 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=607 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/07/ear-ear/feed/ 1 Get it? It's like saying "Here here." Anyway, time to get back to work. Unless your job is awesome/a government job! This week we investigate the serious issue of ear surgery/good music. Why would we do that? Why the hell not? Get it? It's like saying "Here here." Anyway, time to get back to work. Unless your job is awesome/a government job! This week we investigate the serious issue of ear surgery/good music. Why would we do that? Why the hell not? If you're not wondering/don't care what a good song to listen to is then you can have a nice day/go to hell! Yours always/go to hell for a second time, Jeff and Elliott Dear Jeff and Elliott, My ear got blowed up in Austria in celebration of New Year's Eve 2010. After several months of significant hearing loss and battles with Anthem insurance, I can finally undergo a surgery that will replace my ear drum, that up until a week from now, has resembled a pie crust with no pie. Few people ever know what the first noise, first word or first bird call that they ever hear is, but with my new ear on the way, I will be able to definitively control and identify the first sounds my new left ear will hear. My question to you gentlemen is what is the first SONG I should listen to with my new ear? Not one of yours, shitheads. Love Ryan Dawes (deaf in Danville) "Ear Ear" Dear Ryan Dawes/Deaf in Danville, The first song you hear with your new ear Should take full advantage of the gamut of sound A little of this, a little of that, something diverse, something profound: And for that, you can count, on nothing else but James Brown's I feel good Because we hope you do! Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 1:34 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/06/world-cup-blues-or-les-bleus/ http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/06/world-cup-blues-or-les-bleus/#comments Mon, 28 Jun 2010 17:22:56 +0000 Jeff and Elliott http://www.jeffandelliott.com/?p=579 http://www.jeffandelliott.com/2010/06/world-cup-blues-or-les-bleus/feed/ 3 So, Elliott's in Florida. That means it is now I who can do whatever I want. Consider my excitement immediately extinguished by the U.S. loss in the World Cup. How am I supposed to write an advong* when I'm so down? So, Elliott's in Florida. That means it is now I who can do whatever I want. Consider my excitement immediately extinguished by the U.S. loss in the World Cup. How am I supposed to write an advong* when I'm so down? (There is a knock at the door) JEFF. Who's there? CHRIS. It's your cousin Chris! JEFF. Chris! What are you doing here? CHRIS. I heard you were really depressed about the U.S. losing to Ghana. JEFF. How'd you hear about that? CHRIS. We watched the game together. You said it before you left. JEFF. Oh yeah. CHRIS. I'm here to play some bluesy piano to cheer you up. JEFF. Wow, that's really nice of you. CHRIS. Actually I was just bored. Can I come inside now? JEFF. Oh yeah. (JEFF opens the door) And that's the story of how I got up the courage to write a song in the face of adversity. By Chris doing most of the work. And for those of you who would ask: "Why did you write a song over a game?" I have only one response: Why do you think we used toy piano? Winners of best playwrights, Jeff and Elliott *See the comments section of Bud Nippin'. This is normally where the question goes, but since I have chosen to spend the entire week complaining that I don't get to watch more U.S. world cup games, I will instead pose this question: Who's coming with me to Brazil in four years? "World Cup Blues (or Les Bleus)" Oh The World Cup blues Why did our team have to lose? I keep talkin 'bout our last As if it might change the past But still I've got these blues. Sometimes you go out on that pitch Just to learn that life's a bitch. But hey, there's a bright side to every story. For example, things could be much worse. We could be France. Refusing to practice and to shake hands. Seriously, what the fuck was up with that? Anyway, we'll keep practicing still And with a little luck and a little skill We'll see you in Brazil Jeff and Elliott Save the Day no 1:46