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What is 2+2? 


June 21st, 2010

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This week’s question can be filed under R for “Really?” Someone who is health conscious enough to love running, yet not health conscious enough to avoid soda? Cue heads exploding. Obviously no offense* to the writer of the question, but come on. We know that soda is delicious. We’ve all gotten a 64 oz. mountain dew at the movie theatre at one point or another, but every action has it’s consequences. The consequences here being that running will be much harder with soda coursing through your veins. After we settle this soda issue through the power of song, we’re going to have to have a talk about running as a past time. There’s a much easier way to get around, and it’s filed under J for “Jetpack.”

Winners of best condescending rhetoric,
Jeff and Elliott

*No offense is one of those great phrases you can use to defuse saying offensive things. For example: “No offense, but [insert offensive statement here]” It’s similar to “Don’t take this the wrong way, but [insert statement that will be taken the wrong way here]” or even “I’d love to, but [insert reason why I wouldn't actually love to here]” Works every time.

Dear Jeff and Elliott,

I love to run! The problem is, I also love to drink soda. It’s an okay way to quench thirst, right?

Fatigued in Philly


Dear Fatigued,

If drinking soda is your method of quenching thirst
Then I hate to say it, but your thirst quenching method’s probably the worst
You gotta get with the program, there’s work still to be done
You puttin’ doo-doo in your body’s going to make it pretty hard to run.

So many reasons you should drop soda and fast
Unless you want phosphoric acid to turn your bones to glass
You could be “Glass-Bone™.” Scourge of heroes everywhere
Glass Bone™: Like Samuel Jackson so devil-may care
Glass Bone™: James Bond hunting you in space
Glass Bone™: Committing crime at a handicapped pace
Glass Bone™: You’ll need a custom built evil chair
A utility closet in the coca-cola plant, will be your evil lair.

What’s so bad about water? Has hydrating evolved?
Be that as it may H20 doesn’t make your teeth dissolve.

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