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What is 2+2? 

Ways to Go

April 16th, 2012

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Immortality. It’s a curse, right? Always outliving everyone you love. Destined to walk alone. Nope. That’s just what we tell ourselves in movies so we don’t feel so bad about not being immortal. Being immortal is really, really cool. At least…that’s what we’d say if we were immortal. (We are). But we’re not. We definitely did not find the fountain of youth. (We did, it’s awesome). We’ll die someday, just like everyone else. (No we won’t, we’re immortal).

Human, just like you (except immortal),
Jeff and Elliott


Jeff and Elliott,

I’ve been contemplating my own mortality and I’ve decided to get a will. In the will, there’s a section about what I want done with my remains – but I don’t know what I want done with my remains! I’m too cool to go out in a boring wood box! What can I do?

Mortal in Montpelier

“Ways to Go”

Dear Mortal,

So you’re dying soon

So you’ll die someday
But your body here will stay
And you don’t know how you want your family
To dispose of your remains

Might we suggest
When your body’s laid to rest
And your family’s feeling so dour
That you lighten up the hour

You could cut through the gloom and haze
With a pyrotechnic blaze
A clusterfuck of light and sound
Focused on a cannon rising from the ground

As the fire licks the earth
And the cannon makes it’s berth
An eruption of hellish sound
Sends your corpse flying homeward bound
And possibly into the neighbors yard

Or buy a whole mausoleum
And the team from Chucky Cheeses
To re-engineer your body
So at your funeral: pizza party

At the push of a button
You’re dancing and singing and struttin’
You’ll be remembered as you were
That weirdo with too much money

Say, if you like weekends best
Then at your behest
You could be taxidermied
A perpetual “Weekend at Bernies”

Hangin’ at at the beach
Formaldehyde cocktail within reach
or Chillin’ in the vodka bar
No coat required
You’re fine as you are

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